There is a secret formula to successful parenting and it is called Connection before Correction.
It sounds wonderful right?
Imagine a world where you and your children sit down to discuss and agree on the solution to a problem without tears, yelling, nagging or frustration. Well, the truth is …….It is possible with the “Connection before Correction” tool because you would seek to create solutions to issues WITH your children instead of giving out punishment TO our children.
Let’s picture a common scenario in most homes:
Your child does something wrong and YOU discipline the child by either nagging, yelling, shaming, beating or any other form of punishment we think will make the child behave in the perfect way we want them to.
A friend once said that sometimes it seems being a parent is all about giving directions while all children do is disobey.
We all want to be good parents to well-behaved children.
We have it all planned out in our head about how we will bring up our children to be the perfect child.
But the reality is, some of us grew up with parents who were strict and dictatorial. Parents who gave punishment to us. Therefore, that is what we are used to.
Some of us want to bring our children up in a balanced environment where they will be corrected with love. But somehow, we usually find that we are either just as strict as our parents or way too lenient.
As Muslims, we assume that we will have it easy because we have the Qur’an and Hadith and we expect that all we have to do is try to live our lives by these rules.
In reality, it is sometimes difficult because there are lots of other factors that come into play that affect exactly how we apply the Islamic rules and etiquette to our parenting styles.
Remember Sis, you can never reach perfection during the parenting journey and you don’t need to be perfect. We grow and learn along with our children in our journey to be better parents and the only way to be a positive parent is to grow into being one. It is never too late to change and learn how to be a better parent.
- So how and where do we strike the balance?
- How do we use positive discipline tools to bring up the ideal Muslim child who will be of value to himself, his parents, the society in this world and the hereafter?
- How can we promote good behaviour and peaceful home without becoming harsh drill sergeants on the one hand or passive pushovers on the other?
Using the Positive Discipline Tool “Connection before Correction” works perfectly with the teachings of Islam because Islam emphasizes the importance of respect and empathy in relationships.
Research has also shown that the best way to positively influence children is to create a connection with them. When you connect with them, you will create a sense of safety and openness.
We all know that punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming do not give us the desired result. The truth is, naturally, children resist to see if they can get away with something [they won’t be children if they are not curious and a little defiant.
However, if you have established a connection with them that shows that you respect them and you are willing to find solutions with them, they will be less secretive and more willing to make things work because they are understood.
We should remember to be gentle and kind when interacting with and when correcting our children. When we speak in a calm and respectful way to a child, they are more inclined to want to please.
Connecting with children should not be seen as a sign of weakness, on the contrary, it lets them know that you are indeed in control—not only of the situation but also your emotions.
It is important to note that “Correction” in the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. While conventional correction usually involves punishment, i.e, doing something TO children.
Positive Discipline correction involves respectfully finding solutions to problems WITH them.
Here are the steps to establishing a connection with your children.
- Spend special time with children. The best way to foster a connection with your children is to spend time with them. Children love knowing that they matter to you and the best way to show them is to devote time and attention to them. Spend 10 to 30 minutes bonding and getting to know about them.
- Listen to your children. Drop your phone, stop what you are doing and really pay attention to what your child has to say.
- Validate your child’s feelings. Try to understand their point of view. Don’t we all feel connected when we feel understood?
- Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Talk to them and share your feelings and opinions. Tell them something about yourself.
- Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. There is that word “with” again–because it is a golden bridge to connection.
- Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection.
- Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug. A hug envelopes a child and makes her feel loved and protected.
Children will be open to respectful, long-lasting correction once the connection is made. This method is not a one-off thing. It something that will be done consistently and made part of your routine. You cannot form a connection this week and be the harsh disciplinarian next week.
As mothers, we have a very great responsibility when it comes to raising our children. We are their primary and first source of guidance and if we do our part well with the guidance of Allah, the chances of children growing up to be the best they can in this world and inhabitants of the next increases substantially.
May Allah perfect all that concerns you and your family Sis. Ameen
I hope you have learnt something. If yes, would you like to join me in the Parenting for Jannah Academy? You should join the waitlist HERE to be notified when next we are open.
May Allah make it easy how do I cope with an hyperactive child a boy that doesn’t listen if talked to calmly only when threatened.jazak Allah kair for this post may Allah make it easy for us to connect with our kids
Ameen you are welcome sis.
Would you like to sign up to watch the free webinar replay on the introduction to positive parenting? You can check on the website and sign up and i would send it to your mail In shaa Allah. I answered your question with some strategies on the webinar.
Alternatively, you could book a free 15 minutes consultation via the website and we can talk about it.
Salam alaykum. Please is the webinar replay still available. I’m currently having the same issue with my son. Thanks
I have really learnt. May Allah bless you
You are most welcome sis. Ameen and you too
Salam alaykum. Please Is the free webinar still available. I’m also having the same experience with my son. Thanks
Jazakum lahu khairan, wherenam having issue is my son he is a Heloise type always has something to say when ever u did something to his siblings in which am not bias between them I treated them equally but for the fact that he is stubborn always beat his elder sister so I will beat him or ask the sister to beat him back, and I always told him reasons to my actions but no he won’t understand he will be saying I love them more than him so now he is full of that thought that I love his siblings more than him
Thanks ma
Assalamualaikum jazakilahu khair
Masha Allah May Allah make it easy for us all……jazakillah for this piece may Allah grant you your heart desires,Amin
Ameen. Thanks a lot sis and yours as well sis.
Assalamu alaikum. Thank you very much sis. I would like to watch the webinar too. I have a 2+ years old child who like urinating on his body but he can talk very well, narrate whatever happens at home to his dad. I warned, beat, yell, nd pet him several times to tell me if he wants to wee-wee but he will directly tell me dat he won’t stop with his full confidence. He is starting school Sept. Pls what do I do? Help me. Thanx a lot nd God bless.
Asalam alaykum sis.
Thanks for reaching out. Please book a free 15 minutes consultation here http://liamanah.com/consultations/ and let’s sort it out together In shaa Allah
Jazakumu lau khaeran sister. This is really an educative piece
Wa iyyakum sis
Ma Shaa Allah
Thanks alot ma
Asalamulykum sist thanks so much 4 everything am sooooo happy 2 be part of dis ,plz I need ur help ma,my 5y old daughter if I talk 2 her owns wallahi she will not here i will talk more then 2× before she will here me or answer me, i no i do give her punishment some time,she will tell me mummy is d punishment u are give me is no making me 2 here word.what will I do ma?
Walaykum Salam sis.
Please book a free 15 mins consultation sis, let’s brainstorm some strategies you can implement In shaa Allah.
You can book it here sis http://liamanah.com/consultations/
Wa Alaykum salam waramotullah wabarakatuh, masha Allah sis, very happy to be here, though am still single and am very sure by Allah will i will make a better parent by following up.
Thanks u so much for this.
Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu May Allah swt reward you for your great efforts and outreach. Aameen
Me and my husband decided to break generational curses before we decided to have any children. We have a 2yr old now and it’s good to see this way of thinking/raising validated.
Many people with preconceived parenting styles think I am too soft on our son. The yelling screaming and beating thing is triggering for me as I am still dealing with the trauma of it all from my own childhood.
The connection before correction really speaks to me because that’s all we really want… a connection. It helps me to remember he’s only 2 he doesn’t know what disrespect is he doesn’t even speak our native language fully. How can I accuse him of such grown up emotions and take it so personal to my ego?
It helps to remember I’ve been walking talking and communicating for 30+ years. He’s just getting started so patience has virtue.
Jazakallah khair <3
Walaykum Salam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh sis.
Jazakhallah Khairan sis, thanks for your duas.
Absolutely true. connection before correction is really the approach to take to parenting.
Exactly, we sometimes don’t put things into perspective with kids without considering that we have been here longer than they have.
Maa sha Allah sis… Jazaakillahu khair.. This is amazing…. Thanks soo much for sharing such a wonderful directives…
salaam aleikum sister, am sorry for not getting back to you all this while am somehow having some challenges. I really enjoy this your teaching, May Almighty Allah increase you in knowledge and equally give us the opportunity to follow and digest it Aameen. Jazakullahu khair
Walaykum Salam sis. Its okay sis. AMeen thanks a lot for your duas. Wa iyyakum sis
Mashaa Allah, May the Almighty Allah bless you abundantly. I am really happy to be part of this am a kind of person that get angry so easily with my children but insha Allah I will try to use this method of connection before correction insha Allah. Jazakillahu bikhair.
Ameen and you too sis. Please do and let me know the changes you observe. May Allah ease your affairs sis
Thanks a lot Sister, jazakillahu khair. May Allah make it easy for us, ameen.
Ameen Sis.
Salam alaikum sis,jazaakillahu khair for this directives. Sincerely,you’re talking to me.May Allah make the steps easy for us all,aameen.
Walaykum Salam sis. Ameen
Jazaakillahi khair. May Allah make it easy for us. Thanks for the wonderful post. Is very inspiring.
Wa iyyakum. Ameen thanks sis
Jazakumllahu khaeran for your teachings. May Allah continue to put Baraka in all you do.
Wa iyyakum. Ameen sis and yours as well.
Thank so much sis.. May Allah continue to increase you in wisdom, knowledge and understanding… Amin. Pls I av a question … Is it polite for me to pet my boy( 5years ) after beating or punishment? Bcos I do it a lot but people around me say I am spoiling him .. Pls throw more light
I’ve really learnt
Jazakillahu khairan sis
Masha Allah! Jazakillah Bikhair fi dunyan wal akhirah 🙏 this is so insightful sister
Assalam alaykum sis, I am learning a lot from this platform may Almighty Allah continue to increase your knowledge Amin
Assalam alaykum sis, I am learning a lot from this platform although my baby is just one year old, may Almighty Allah continue to increase your knowledge Amin
Masha Allah. May Allah guide us to the right part of positive parenting. Thank you for sharing this knowledge with parents its really helpful.